‘Booze, beach, beaten’: Six-day Poms ‘stag do’ exposed as axe sharpens for Baz, Ben — UK View

The recriminations from the early Ashes ending have already begun back in England, with calls to sack Bazball masterminds Brendon McCullum and Ben Stokes from their roles, amid claims of a boozy six-day stretch in between matches.

It took just 11 days of cricket for the most hyped English side in decades to miss out on reclaiming the urn, despite years of anticipation for this series.

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And while to most Aussie observers the reality appears clear – Australia’s team is simply better – the Poms still believe they had the talent to win this series, or at least keep it alive heading into Boxing Day.

Champion opener Sir Geoffrey Boycott has led the calls to therefore sack coach McCullum and ask Stokes to consider his role as captain if he won’t change his style.

“Hubris has taken over from common sense and that cannot be allowed to carry on. Stokes and McCullum are like men digging a hole to nowhere. If what you are doing isn’t working then stop digging,” Boycott wrote for The Telegraph.

“Change is absolutely necessary to step up to the next level. What would I do? Change the coach. We are tired of this duo talking a good game but not delivering against the best teams so Rob Key, it is time for you to assert yourself.

“I would also sit down with Stokes and find out if he will compromise on his approach to batting and be prepared to embrace new ideas.

“As a world-class all-rounder, England need him on board because he affects the balance of the team. You do not want to lose him, but if he doesn’t see that a change of attitude is needed then you have to find a new captain.”

Boycott suggested former Aussie quick Jason Gillespie as a potential replacement for McCullum given his work at Yorkshire.

“Our players are disrespectful to past great England cricketers and their helpful views. They are wrapped in cotton wool and overpaid. Time to get tougher with them because their way hasn’t won anything in three years,” he said.

“Look at some of the players on this tour. Zak Crawley is a hit-and-miss batsman. Mainly miss and then he seduces us with a blistering innings. It should not be enough to keep his place. Improve technique and discipline or you’re out.

“Ollie Pope is a lost cause because he never learns. I think he would give his wicket away if he was playing in a county second XI. He can’t help himself as he finds ways to get out that I couldn’t dream up. Somewhere in his head there is a self-destruct button.”

His Telegraph colleague Nick Hoult argued this was the “lamest” English defeat in the Ashes this century.

“An England team that loves to talk up its ability to create history will go down as yet another bunch who crumbled when faced with the challenge of winning in Australia. Bazball was fun while it lasted but it amounted to nothing of substance when it mattered in series against Australia and India,” he wrote.

“Of all the away Ashes defeats this century, this one is the lamest because England had the talent to win and a method they believed in. But good cricketers badly underperformed because they were underprepared, which is unforgivable.

“Rob Key, the director of cricket, and Brendon McCullum, the head coach, are the two most accountable because this has been a failure of planning and professionalism, not talent.

“Key is due to speak to the media at the MCG on Tuesday. He shouldered the blame for the 2023 World Cup debacle, and his explanation for this state of affairs will be revealing.”

Meanwhile the BBC’s Stephan Shemilt summed up the tour thus far as “booze, beach, beaten”.

He argued the mistakes began 18 months ago with selection blunders like not trialling a new opener when Zak Crawley was injured, and sending Mark Wood to bowl in the Champions Trophy – “a tournament they were never going to win” – during which he was injured.

“Chris Woakes’ dislocated shoulder effectively ruled him out of the Ashes, but there were still two other players in England’s squad for the last Test against India that did not make it to Australia: Jamie Overton and Liam Dawson,” Shemilt wrote.

“Overton took a break from red-ball cricket after using up a spot at The Oval which could have gone to Matthew Potts, Matthew Fisher or Sam Cook. Dawson – or any other frontline spinner – would have been pragmatic cover in Australia for Shoaib Bashir, whose form was an accident waiting to happen.”

Things took a turn for the worse between Tests, according to the report, with their dietary choices questioned as “some of the group developed a penchant for an Australian brand of takeaway frozen yoghurt”.

But it was after the Gabba Test where the behaviour really worsened, the BBC report claimed.

While Joe Root was credited for spending time with his family “and was never spotted near a bar”, Shemilt pointed out it “was curious that more family members were not present for what was billed as a break from the Ashes”.

“For others, it was a glorified stag do. Some members of the team followed two days of drinking in Brisbane with four more in Noosa – six in total, as many days as there had been of Test cricket at this point in the tour.”

He added: “On another occasion strength and conditioning coach Pete Sim invited the entire group for a run along the coast at 07:45am. Smith, Bashir and Tongue were the only players to turn out.”

Writing for The Times, former England captain Mike Atherton said that Stokes had lost his way as a leader on this tour and the team was facing another change of era.

“The biggest fascination for me about “Bazball” was always whether what might be called “no consequence”, carefree cricket could hold up under the fiercest pressure. Test cricket is a brutal game, and, especially here in Australia, it exposes every weakness. Could such an approach keep the mental demons at bay? After a run of low scores, for example, with so much at stake, would it be possible to keep playing with such abandon?” Atherton wrote.

“The answer, clearly, has been no. The harsh realities of professional sport have resurfaced and swamped them. Australia, doing the basics and fundamentals well for long periods, have been too good. Talking about the dressing toom being no place for weak men and demanding more mongrel and “dog” was a long way from where Stokes started as England captain. He is not the first, and won’t be the last, to lose his bearings here.”

Writing for the Daily Mail, Oliver Holt said that “Sunday was really a matter of reading Bazball the last rites”.

“Bazball now resembles something hollowed out. In three sobering, humbling Test defeats, a philosophy that once carried all along with it but has become divisive and polarising, has had its soul ripped out and its entrails pored over by those who are now happy to say they always feared it would end like this.

“Many will celebrate the demise of Bazball. Some saw it as a blueprint for irresponsibility, a puerile, flippant, disrespectful, unserious attitude to a serious game. Many had come to hate it because Bazball wanted to change a game that Bazball’s detractors did not want to change. But there is cold comfort, surely, in England losing in a good old-fashioned, supine way in Adelaide. Despite a final flourish, it was still a comprehensive defeat.

“I am a fan of Bazball. I have loved the boldness and the thrill and the unpredictability it has brought to Test cricket. But McCullum has failed his own brand on this tour. Too much about the preparation and the execution felt like freestyling. And if someone has to carry the can for this Ashes debacle, it is best that it should be him.”

Writing for The Guardian, Barney Ronay also marked the demise of Bazball and said it came against an Australian team whose only truly elite quality was its bowling attack, backed by Alex Carey’s wicketkeeping.

“It has taken 11 days of active Test cricket for this powerfully resourced England and Wales Cricket Board machine to collapse like a castle of dust, vibes and blue-sky wiffle, and to do so before the southern summer has reached its midpoint. So this is Christmas. And what have we done? The Ashes is over. With two Tests still to come.

“England’s failure lies in the nature of that defeat, in losing not just quickly but sloppily, losing in a way that speaks to a basic lack of tension and discipline, a refusal not just to do your homework, but to recognise that homework exists at all.”